“Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you…”
Otherwise known as:
Assorted Dupes, Games, Deceptions, Cons, Tricks, Ploys, Spectacles, Swindles, Ruses, Fakery and One-Up’s, sure to effectively usurp power from your Island Frenemies
It is well-known fact that our little Island loves to get cute with irony…
For example, you might be a millionaire who ends up in a place where your money means absolutely nothing.
Or, you could be a heroin addict who vows to kick the junk, and then stumbles upon a plane which apparently belonged to a smuggler, as it is filled to the brim with your drug of choice.
Also, if you are a fugitive with gypsy blood or someone who has ‘daddy issues,’ this Island is going to give you a run for your money. Just an FYI…
Rivalries, Irony and War Games are never in short supply with our LOST-ies.
A victor is never definitive and as always, turnabout is indeed fair play.
Winning a battle is nice, but the winner of the War is never declared until someone dies.
Sorry, but it’s true.
The exception, of course, being when someone is re-incarnated, because then the battle may (obviously) continue.
Battle: King of the 3rd Season
* John sinks Jack’s battleship (submarine, whatever…) using some C4 he stole from The Flame Station. Jack’s all dejected because that was his ride home, and he sold his soul for that shit.
* John’s on a roll, so he shoots the freighter chick Naomi, and threatens to shoot Jack if he calls her people.
Jack calls bluff and freighter.
John wimps out. Cannot pull trigger.
Jack’s had it with John’s tomfoolery and threatens to shoot him if he ever sees him again.
Island is tiny. Jack sees Locke and pulls trigger, as promised.
Gun is empty. Locke is lucky.
Jack proceeds to huff, puff and rage like a mad man about how crazy John is.
John calmly explains that he is not crazy.
John wins the day.
*And the title of King of the 3rd Season goes to: Johnny Locke!
Though Jack presents a strong case, cool heads prevail in this battle royale.
John’s chill manner when the chips were down injected some much-needed faith among the faithless.
Combatants: Jack V. Locke
Battle: 'Man with a Plan' a.k.a- The Big Cheese
* When Jack was the leader, there was always a ‘plan.’
We explored caves, found radio towers, and experienced the benefits of Universal health care.
* Under John’s rule, the ‘plan’ seemed to revolve around pressing a button which may or may not be ‘saving the world’ every 108 minutes, decoding old Dharma Initiative videos, and killing chickens, boar and such. We also spend a significant amount of time searching the jungle for an invisible cabin whose location is marked only by some fairy dust.
* And the title of: 'Man with a Plan' a.k.a- The Big Cheese goes to: Dr. Jack ‘I’ll fix it’ Shephard!
Jack wins this one by a leg. Or two well-oiled, non-gimpy, legs and an active ‘can do’ attitude.
You may not always be a ray of sunshine, Jack Shephard, but you sure do get an ‘A’ for effort!
Combatants: Jack V. Locke
Battle: Ruler of the ‘To Leave or Not to Leave’ debate
John tries to convince Jack that it would be supremely stupid to leave the Island.
Super surprisingly, Jack disagrees and calls John names like “crazy old man.”
John counters by pleading that if he does leave (which, again, he shouldn’t) he must lie to protect the remaining survivors and the Island, which he is planning to move.
Jack, a.k.a. Capt. Practicality, calls bullshit on both notions.
Evidently, neither lying to ‘protect’ a land mass nor ‘moving’ a land mass seem reasonable to the Good Doctor.
Jack waves goodbye to Crazy Leg John (which would be SUCH a rad name for a pirate,) and hops on the helicopter.
(Later that day)
Jack sits in the dinghy with the O6 and watches the Island disappear. Hmph.
Not being one to make the same mistake twice (yeah, OK…), Jack decides it’d be best to lie…
* And the title of Ruler of the ‘To Leave or Not to Leave’ debate goes to: John “Haha, I told you so” Locke!
Honestly, Jack has terrific intentions and all, but that ego sure does get in the way.
I do understand his plight though.
I too, am correct 99 percent of the time and that single errant percentage point, can be totally vexing…
Still, the best defense is a good offense and this ‘Oh, so, uh, turns out you can move landmasses, so maybe we should lie’ shit was completely defensive.
Decision for Locke stands.
Combatants: Jack V. Bentham/ Locke/ Crazy Leg John
Battle: Ruler of Off-Island Timeline
Jack grows beard, has addiction, and gnarly case of paranoia.
* And the title of Ruler of the Off-Island Timeline goes to: Neither.
While the ‘alive’ factor would’ve tipped this category in Jack’s favour, as he could always shave, Just Say No, and pop a Xanax; the ‘dead’ factor doesn’t mean much around here either, so this one’s a draw, for sure.
Combatants: Jack V. Sawyer
Battle: Ruler of Kate’s affections
* Jack bonds with Kate first when he teaches her the art of rudimentary Jungle-stitches in the Pilot.
* Sawyer kisses Kate first, and first is first, even if he did sorta trick her into doing it.
* Sawyer also gets her drunk and learns her deepest secrets way before Jack, though not before he actually kisses her, which is strange to me, because I usually drink first and confess/make out later, but that’s definitely an individual decision.
* Sawyer has animalistic cage sex with Kate (I'm not being metaphorical) and says, “I love you” first.
* Still, when Jack says it in the S3 Finale it reads way more legit and meaningful.
A weaker woman than myself may even have had a ‘6th grade-butterflies-in-the-stomach’ sort of moment, but obviously I am impervious to such nonsense.
* Sawyer thought he might have impregnated Kate when she, believing Pickett would soon kill him, throws herself at him in the cages as Jack watches on a TV monitor like it’s Jungle-porn.
* Jack may actually have impregnated Kate when she took those Quaaludes and forced herself on him in "316".
Still, she was covertly trying to represent pregnant Claire from the original 815 flight, so in spite of the drugs and dreamy nature of the scene, it really wasn’t as romantic as it seemed.
* Jack’s moving testimony during her murder trial saves Kate from a wretched life behind bars, but Sawyer truly understands her wretched soul…and that shit is tough to top.
* And the title of Ruler of Kate’s affections goes to: UGH! I’m totally fence sitting here. Jack’s recent crazy-phase and Sawyer’s current golden-boy phase have really evened the playing field, on this one. My fence is large though, and I’ll scoot over if anyone would like to join me up here. The view’s awesome…
Combatants: Jack V. Ben
Battle: Control (of course)
* On the Island, Ben was always in control.
When he was locked in the vault pretending to be Henry Gale? Yup
When he sent Juliet (who looks lots like Jack’s ex-wife, Sarah) to bring Jack cheeseburgers? Yup
Somehow, even as he lies dying in the O.R. after Jack slices his kidney, Ben still seems to retain control.
* Three years post-Island, Ben finds Jack all unkempt and sad, staring at John’s dead body and promises to help him get everyone (Kate, too) back to Island.
* It seems as though Ben still rules all…Jack’s Robo-eyes even exude a momentary glimmer of life, based on Ben’s uber-hopeful words.
* But the tables turn once we realize just how much Ben actually needed Jack…
* Battle Control rages on…
Without Jack, Ben had no hope of a reunion tour.
Without Ben, Jack had no hope of convincing Kate he’s not psychotic.
An alliance formed and these foes became total best-ies.
If they were a celeb couple, we’d create fun hybrid names for them like, “Beck” or “Back!”
Trust me, when hybrid names are coined, the rivalry is officially over…
Combatants: Ben V. Locke
Battle: Ruler of the Island/ Leader of the Others
* Jacob allegedly taps John as the Islands’ heir-apparent.
* Ben is yesterday’s news.
* Lucky for Ben, on this Island as in another magical Wonderland, “The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday - but never jam to-day.”
And while that may seem like gibberish it boils down to the idea that round here, ‘yesterday’s news’ could be re-incarnated at any moment, so John must never get too comfy.
* John tries to kill himself, but Ben bests him when he strangles him with a TV cable. Harsh.
* Ben promises a puff of smoke whose taken on the form of his murdered daughter, that hereto forth he'll follow Locke; for Locke is his leader...
* And the title of Ruler of the Island/Leader of the Others goes to: Neither.
Ben’s a fake and John’s a martyr. Nuff said.
Combatants: Sawyer V. Ben
Battle: RIF (reading is fundamental) Master
* Sawyer’s rough-around-the-edges bad-ass-ness is 90 times more appealing because he’s well read. There’s just something about a man with an unexpected dichotomy…
Though he usually reigns supreme in any battle of literary wits, he has definitely met his match in Benjamin Linus.
* As they hike towards a ‘special place’ that Ben wants to show him, Sawyer off-handedly jabs Ben with a line from Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men.”
* When Ben does not immediately fire back, Sawyer suggests that Ben would enjoy the book because they “kill puppies.”
* Sawyer may have won the battle, but Ben clearly wins the war when he reveals that they are not actually on “THE” Island, rather a separate Alcatraz-type isle about 2 miles off-shore.
He proceeds to call Sawyer an average con man and an average romantic hero, and sprinkles some literary salt in Sawyer’s metaphorical would with a lighthearted bit about how, “A guy goes nuts if he ain’t got nobody. It don’t make no difference who the guy is, long as he’s with you. I tell you, I tell you a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick,” which is (of course) from "Of Mice and Men."
* And the title of RIF Master goes to: Ben, obviously
Ben destroys Sawyer in this quick-fire challenge, and gets extra points for double entendre, as we will soon find out that Ben himself is a ‘sick’ and ‘lonely’ man with the spinal tumor to prove it…
As the great George Orwell once said: “The quickest way to end a war is to lose it…”
Lyndsey has OCD. Lucky for you, in between color-coding her closet and using anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, she channels her mania into over-analysis of “Lost”. She believes the idea that “TV rots your brain,” is bullshit. She is sure her brain is not, in fact, rotten.